RIP Becca Woodstra aka "Blonde Bitch"

A worthy adversary if ever there was

But one of us had to win simply because

That's how it works, this assassin's game

One person's loss is another one's gain

She done got supersoaked.

RIP COP TAG! Drew Northrup aka "Drew Jon"

One.

RIP COP TAG! Roy Grossmann aka "Dragon Face"

My target was cheerful and carefree

little did he know he soon wouldn't be happy

As i sprang out from behind a tree

and shot him in the chest. Hehehe

For your health ya dingus

RIP COP TAG! Eleanor Plaunt aka "Snort"

She was returning something borrowed.
I jumped out of a moving car.
She came at me with a ladle.
I shot her in the chest.
Sorry

RIP COP TAG! David Dotterweich aka "DJ Jewboy"

Spooned the bitch

RIP COP TAG! Nate Ellis aka "Senor Guapo"

Spooned the bitch

RIP COP TAG! Dennis Dadashev aka "King Goober"

Yuup Dennis was Juan's neighbor that I made come out to kill them both . Next year maybe Dennis!

RIP COP TAG! Juan Montero aka "L1ONELMESSI"

Juan came and picked me up so I could help him to kill the person that had him so I went to his house but I knew that one of his neighboor was also on the wanted list so I thought that I should do a double kill. We met with the other he came out and I killed them both with my 2 spoons . The easiest kills I have ever done . What a good start to the day.

RIP Carly Coats aka "Awktopus"

I made a few attempts at stalking my victims house, but my target was playing it safe and was never to be found. I realized she was going to be a tough target to kill, and there were only short windows of time where I could go in for the kill, so I decided to lay back for awhile. But on Friday, 45 minutes before my shift, I had gotten a call from one of my connections telling me that if I went at that moment, there would be a good chance I could see my target. I raced to her house and parked across the block, after some sneaking around, I found my target, her friend, and her cute little dawg walking down the block away from me. Luckily for me, right as I decided to charge from behind, a bus drove by to cover my footsteps, and it was too late for my sneaky target to escape this time. She saw me and started to run, only to reach her side door too late. If it wasn't for her meddling dog, she may have made it. Kudos for fighting to your last dying breath!

"Don't drop the soap..." - Beware of the Soap Boys.

RIP Mike Newcomer aka "Kim Jong Il"

It was a last minute decision, but we pulled it off beautifully.  I had a couple of my best men with me, and of course, my ninja-jedi acquaintance.  He's crazy.  Stay away from him.  Any way, we rolled up to my targets street, but parked where no car could be seen.  My ninja-jedi acquaintance ran and hid in a bush, and I hid against the house, near the door.  I waited as my two men, who shall remain unnamed, rang the doorbell.  One wielded a dangerous spoon.  When the target came to the door, my men challenged him to a duel.  Eventually, they got him outside.  I pounced, shooting him in the back.  The shot was not fatal.  My target bolted into the night, and I chased him.  Just then, my ninja-jedi jumped out of the bushes and began chasing my target.  This move proved to be effective psychological warfare.  It left my target scared and confused.  He continued running, however.  Eventually, I gunned him down from behind.  It was really cool, like something you would see on cops and stuff.

RIP John Pass aka "Jungle Fever"

I waited outside my targets house. Bladder full of urine. Heart full of vengeance. Water gun also full of urine. My eyes darted across the bleak landscape until,  in the distance, I caught sight of a blue dodge suv. My targets preferred mode of transportation. I darted to the wall, adjacent to the garage. Heart pounding harder than a punch from Marcus levesseur. My target pulled into the garage and I inched out from my protective cove until I made eye contact with my targets mother. How could I ever have the heart to look into the eyes of a mother and kill her child!?!?! It did not matter though. She pretended she did not see me, obviously wishing her child to an impending death. And that's when i ran into the open. Yelling at the top of my lungs and shot the mammas boy. (water gun did not actually contain urine)

RIP Sam Doyle aka "Bannana Man"

Unsuspecting, he walked in the door.

While thoughts of ice cream danced in his head.

He turned and the bullet hit the floor.

Only after rendering him dead.

And with this his plan was "foyled"

Rest in peace dear Sam Doyle(d)

RIP D-TAG! Benji Mosow aka "Little Papi"

Even after he swore he was unarmed, he pulled a nerf gun from his waistband.  I came out victorious.  


-Beware of the Soap Boys

RIP William Jones aka "Will.I.Am. ~ Dead.U.R."

He came out his front door and I darted out of my accomplice's car door. He didn't see or hear me running behind him and when he did it was too late. 

RIP D-TAG! Alec Dewitz aka "Dewey"

Young Alec thought he was being sneaky when he rang my doorbell and was "picking up homework" from my room. Luckily, my friend and I heard the doorbell and I sprinted into my parent's room. When he walked into my room and saw my friend and not me, he was extremely confused and so I charged at him with my water gun. Death by water. BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR :D <3

RIP Isaac Svebakken aka "The Swede"

After a couple encounters this one was finally a success.  Sprayed with the 1/8 of a tank I had left in my gun.  He was a very respectable target.  


-Beware of the soap boys. (Don't drop the soap)

RIP Jesse Ewaldt aka "Wall-E"

sliced his throat with a spoon. it was well worth the awkward car ride that followed.

RIP Tristan Herzog aka "Ra's al Ghul"

I had been stalking my target for the past week and a half. First of all it was hard to determine which house he would be at, because according to my sources, he was listed under two different residences. I checked out both houses ahead of time. I also found his phone number on facebook and got different friends to leave him voicemails in different languages to throw him off, but I don't think he knows that...anyways, I waited outside of his house for 3 mornings, seeing if he would walk to the bus. Unfortunately, the first two mornings, his mom was his accomplice in him dodging my attack, and he was driven to the bus stop. I backed off because he was too aware of my presence. On the morning of April 25th, I waited again outside of his house, giving it one last shot. I did not attempt to conceal my identity as I waited to hear the garage door open, ready to spring into action. Then I heard a door open and I knew I was in luck. I ran out from behind the house and started to chase my target as he walked towards the bus. He saw me right away and was prepared. A pretty short battle ensued. Finally I shot him and it was all over, and I was the last one standing... LIVE IN FEAR ASSASSINS 2012

RIP D-TAG! Zack Johnston aka "Lunesta"

My accomplice, Bob, was around my work and was worried and had a gut feeling that she should drive around my work to make sure everything was safe for me to leave, but then had noticed Zack was waiting outside for me to leave. She had texted me alerting me of the assassin outside, however, I didn't read it. Luckily, my coworker had been walking in front of me and ended up being my sheild. After he had missed multiple times trying to assassinate me, I luckily made it to my car to get my gun. I opened the door, and it was over for him.

Hasta la vista, baby.

RIP D-TAG! Billy Lewis aka "Batman"

Young Billy heard that I would be at Chipotle.  Young Billy went to Chipotle.  Young Billy got blasted.

Requiescat in peace

RIP D-TAG! Jaclyn Kueny aka "JQ"

Knowing Jaclyn was attempting to kill her target on this gorgeous spring night, and knowing her target was attempting to kill me on this gorgeous spring night, I preemptively killed her target, stuck around for a few minutes, and killed her as well! Heeheehee

RIP Kade Helseth aka "Zalakhistan"

He figured out I had him at about the same time that I learned I had him thanks to a certain "friend," and after days of truces and veiled threats, i just spooned him in the chest while he was in my car.  

RIP D-TAG! Leah Chase aka "Buttercup"

After some hardcore creeping, I discovered Leah was a member of the very prestigious Eden Prairie Premier Soccer League. Unfortunately for her, their website happens to disclose practice fields and schedules. After waiting a short while, Leah walked out of her car with a squirt gun and begins chatting with her teammates in the parking lot. I sprinted out of nowhere and vaporized her via Hydrogen Dioxide....

RIP Peter Kramer aka "Special Agent Dale Pooper"

Peter was a tricky target, but thanks to my lovely assistant, Peter had nothing on us. Patiently waiting outside his house, my trusty side kick asked to duel him. Peter made the right decision to decline, and went back inside. Being stealthy, Peter tried to sneak around the house and shot my side kick. In the end, Peter got super soaked. He had a nice cat though.

RIP D-TAG! Amanda Voydetich aka "Voydemort"

My friend had a plan, it worked.  Nuff said

 

We are Omega

RIP D-TAG! Aaron White aka "Applesauce"

I watched with an accomplice as he arrived home from school. After he made it inside safely, we decided to call for backup. We came back to the house a little bit later to find him playing basketball outside. In the end, he wasted all of his nerfs on a decoy, hopped the neighbor's fence, and still didn't escape. 

RIP Brian Esch aka "Hobo"

After enjoying some lovely choral music with my accomplice, I waited for my target outside.  Once he nonchalantly exited the building, I tagged him with my trusty spoon and said, "assasined."  As easy as stealing candy from a baby.

RIP Josh Burton aka "Josh B"

On the cloudy Sunday after prom, me and my accomplices went to search for my target. He messed with us for a bit, but then we convinced him to come duel. We arrived at his friend’s yard and saw that there was a decoy with the same afro as my target. Confused, we waited around the house for something to happen. All of the sudden the trunk of the car popped open and out came my target. It was a trap, but I had outsmarted him by making him think that someone else was his target. He began shooting at my assistant (who did not fight back), thinking he would get the kill, when I came up and shot him right in the chest.

Better luck next year pal

RIP Matt Koopmeiners aka "El Diablo"

I waited anxiously until the clock struck 6:02am. I grabbed the spoon I had hidden in the couch and crawled over to lil koopy boy sleeping peacefully with his boo on the floor. I (gently) shoved the spoon in his mouth and he abruptly woke up. Maybe next year, bud!

RIP Rachel Sadowsky aka "Agent 99"

The morning after prom was rather upsetting for Rachel Sadowsky. I walking into the home of Zach Mekler, where my target was staying, and helped myself to a spoon in his kitchen to use as my weapon. As I walk down the stairs, I find Rachel just looking rather lovely! I walk over to her to say hello, but instead of a handshake or a hug.. I decided to kill her with the one and only Mekler spoon. So long Rachel, so long. RIP

RIP Josh Baldvins aka "Black Fysh"

I shot him in the face

RIP Alexandra Johnson aka "Pocahontas"

I woke up feeling rather sassy and spunky this morning.  I knew where my target had spent the previous night with her prom group.  Loading my water gun I was off to the house to end her journey through assassins.  Getting out of my car I was greeted by the prommers leaving the house.  Trying to act casual I asked how their night was, but they knew what was up. While the friends of my target screamed at poor Ali, she sprinted back into the house.  I raced across the lawn and straight into the house.  Meeting her in the kitchen she put up a spoon for a spon duel, but she was no match for me with my water gun.  Squirting her a couple times she finally surrendered and told me who her target was.  Walking out of the house with her we casually talked about how our proms were and it was lovely.  Once we were outside all her friends were yelling that I "was not invited in by the homeowner" so I shot her again.   Sorry Al. Love ya girl.

RIP D-TAG! KC Mydra aka "Head Kace"

Post-Prom Drama: Getting capped at 9 in the morning. Sorry KC.

S/O To Mr. Mekler, my accomplice.

RIP Mark Rusciano aka "Roosh"

I lured my target outside, then I spooned him. Bye bye lil marky.

RIP D-TAG! Thomas Falk aka "TFALK"

Happy 4/20 TFalk...

RIP Olivia Harrier aka "Nappy G"

Poor girl was set up by good foreign friend Niels and while sitting in the parking lot of holiday she pulls up right next to me, gets out and might as well had a sign on her back saying please kill me... She got a nice bath

RIP Tyler Klancke aka "Tklanck"

I was just on a casual drive through my target's neighborhood when I saw him walk out of his house with his mother. It was a very sweet sight to see. They proceeded to stroll down his road, unaware this this picturesque scene was about to come to an end. The chirping birds and rustling tree leaves were silenced as his death drew nearer and nearer. My trusty driver had looped around the neighborhood so we were mere yards away from my target. I jumped out of the car and proceeded to blast him with the super soaker. I was considerate and of course made sure to not get Mrs. Klancke wet.

RIP Chris Fuguet aka "The Cuban Missile"

After losing her shoe in a mine field of unnecessary twigs and crunchy leaves, the assassin and her assistant made it safely to the side of the Fuguets’ shed. An old foe, and new friend, frolicked around the house in an attempt to persuade Chris to stop being a pussy and take part in a faux spoon duel. Chris refused to be a man, and hid in his crib until his back up arrived. Luckily, the girls spotted his posse as it trampled through the menacing forest. In confusion, they exchanged a few words, but the posse didn’t understand who the real assassin was. In the end, Chris came out of hiding, and the girls surrounded him. If only Chris had had some Chemical X…

Powerpuff Girls: 3 Mojo Jojo: 0

RIP Jordan Barry aka "The Bear Jew"

As my accomplices set up his older brother, Jordan was too scared to battle so he hid inside his house. When he finally mustered up the courage to come out, he was a good 20 feet above my team on his deck. Luckily, with my super distance water gun, I managed to get a few drops on him, but I guess he didn't think it was enough. My team and I chased him around his neighborhood for a good twenty five minutes. We finally enclosed a circle around him and I shot him. Straight in the chest. There was no denying that he was dead. Nice try, bud. Maybe next year.

RIP Mark Barry aka "Barrysmooth"

After a week of solid stalking (drive bys, work calls, and more), the Powerpuff Girls made their move onto the Barrys’ property. As the decoy walked up the driveway and harmlessly chatted with Mark, the assassin army crawled behind pine trees and miscellaneous bushes. Sadly, Mark had to go get ready to see his girlfriend, and round 1 fell short. Since the Powerpuff Girls never lose hope, they waited outside for round 2. Through the house windows, the girls were admired from afar by Mark's parents. After a long 10 minutes, Mark walked back outside; painfully unaware that his assassin was ready for blood (thankfully he believed they were after his younger brother). When the timing was perfect, the assassin held up her gun and shot him in his heart. Although Mark was in disbelief, he really should have known that the girls are not only made up of sugar, spice, and everything nice.

Powerpuff Girls: 2 Mojo Jojo: 0

RIP Alex Lapp aka "Lil' Lappdance"

It was on this gloomy day that good ole' lil' Lappdance thought he was just stopping by to pick up a book from one of my accomplices, but little did he know trust does not exist in the life of an assassin. He knocked on the door, and on the other side was the death of him, completely invisible. My heart beating fast and my hand on the trigger I couldn't wait a second more wanting myhands tainted with a dirty murder, so as the door opened I unleashed on the poor victim making sure his body was moist. We exchanged handshakes & hugs and he was gone with the wind (and the book). 

"Don't drop the soap" Beware of the Soap Boys.

RIP Marlee Kreitzman aka "As Told By Ginger"

I had some help from a guy, and she took it in the eye.

(literally, the nerf hit her in the eye.) 

RIP Ben Calvert aka "Hebrew Hammer"

He liked a girl
She happened to be my friend,
She set him up
And that was the end of ben

Unfortunately my iPhone was sacrificed in the process :(

RIP Susan McCartney aka "MACPhone"

Oh Susana, sweet little Susan.  Little did she know that she wasn't just counting down the days to getting her braces removed, but she were also counting down the days to her own demise.  By doing my research I found out that she would be getting your braces off today, and with some help from an accomplice I was able to discover the location and time that she would be freed from the metal wires that had long dominated her mouth.  I walked into the orthodontist office not knowing what to expect, but as there was no receptionist to stop me, I decided just to walk back into the office.  The dental hygienists were all confused as to what I was doing, but they pointed me towards my prey.  She was oh so helpless, her mouth wedged open and her braces just waiting to come off.  I quickly stabbed her with my spoon while she lay there in a state of shock and confusion.  Brace-face no more.

RIP D-TAG! Riley Kendall aka "Randy Dandy"

I was chilling at my house, and I heard the doorbell ring. I immediately grabbed my pump action nerf gun, and went to the door. Two figures stood in my doorway. I looked down at the gun in my hand, and I asked what they wanted. "spoon duel?" one of them said, a sheepish grin on his face.

"Actually, I think I'm just going to shoot you." I replied. I grabbed another nerf gun, a maverik, duel wielding the two. I dropped both of my targets with two well placed shots, but to my surprise, my real assailant had sprinted from around the corner, water gun spraying. A set up. I had been stupid, and I needed to act fast. I threw my maverik to the grass, and unloaded my pump, trading shots with him. I heard a click, and I was out. he returned fire, and I dove for the handgun, coming up shooting. A short firefight ensued, and I ended it with a shot to the chest. Don't mess with the best

RIP Shelbie Generous aka "#chicken"

Cut that bitch. 
The good guys are still here.

RIP Niels Biehler aka "N.B."

Au revoir, french boy. 

RIP Lane Haapasaari aka "Haapasaurus"

Woke up this morning, got in my car, drove to his house, hid for 5 minutes, shot him when he walked out. It almost felt too easy, wrong in a way. Like stealing candy from a baby...

RIP Lane, you led a good life.

RIP Will Burnton aka "Pumpkin"

Sugar, spice, and everything nice. These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls... The perfect little girls staked out Will's house immediately after school. Once the target arrived at his abode, the girls were in place. The decoy was immediately spotted and challenged Will to a duel. Hiding in the depths of some nearby brush, the real assassin was ready. As the decoy cornered Will into his yard, he shot his nerf gun, but the bullets fell short. All of a sudden, the assassin took aim and shot down the target. He cried out in agony, "Long live Mojo Jojo!!!"

Powerpuff Girls: 1 Mojo Jojo: 0

RIP Danny Gollin aka "Mark Barry"

After Facebook stalking my target I learned that he plays ultimate frisbee. I pulled into the Lindbergh Center a little while before practice ended. Luckily for me, he had parked right in front of me. Unsuspecting, he got into his car and pulled out. I waited a few seconds and did the same. After following him for a little while he finally parked at Ridgedale mall. Seeing my chance I jumped out of my car an ran after him pumping my water gun. When he was finally in range, I squirted him in the back with a huge grin on my face.

RIP D-TAG! Alli Rolandelli aka "Trixie"

After being invited to breakfast with my wonderful predator and her accomplices, I devised my plan. Knowing I was the prey, I convinced my predator to pick me up. While she was thinking this would be a perfect opportunity to kill me, I had another plan in mind. I lured my predator into my house by texting her that I was running late, and invited her to "just come in." This made her more excited, as she now had an invite into my humble abode, where I might be more vulnerable. Meanwhile, I was hiding behind my front door, sizing up my predator and her accomplices through the peep-hole. As my accomplice, dear old Dad, opened the door for my breakfast crew, I remained hiding. Once they were completely in my house, I jumped out from behind the door. I attacked my predator with my trusty wooden spoon. We all enjoyed a wonderful breakfast without too many hard feelings. Though it was a valiant effort on my predator's part, it turned out to not be enough.

RIP D-TAG! Sachin Rao aka "Chairman Rao"

Beware of the man in the blue garbage can,

head back to your mini-van.

RIP Madeline Braverman aka "Braveheart"

Although the plan was altered,

you faltered,

I took advantage,

and I managed,

to put you in a bandage. 

P.S - am I invited to your breakfast? ;)

RIP Brett Bremer aka "Double B"

Knowng my target had a 3 hour late start I seduced him into a lovely Perkins breakfast with me and my accomplices. My target came unarmed and unprepared so I took advantage of the situation and stabbed him with my extra length wooden spoon. 


"don't drop the soap" beware of the soap boys.

RIP Nick Wahl aka "The Wahlrus"

Never was there a sadder tale

than that of Nick Whale

Out for breakfast this morning

little did he know he'd be mourning

the exit of the assassins game

As I walked into the diner

nothing was finer 

than knowing the time for my first kill had came. 

Boom Headshot. 

RIP Robert Danaher aka "The Legend"

It was a early morning, a little cold but not too bad, when i started out.  I picked up my friend L and we drove to his house. As we drove past his street, we thought someone else was him and probably made that kid shit his pants as we abruptly stopped in front of him. But back to the kill..  We waited by the side of his house for my target to emerge, and finally after waiting for 15 minutes we hear a car approach. His garage door starts to open and i make my move out from my hiding and shoot him before he has a chance to put up a fight.